Sailors disease
I am a humble sort of bloke so it may come as a surprise to regular readers to learn that I hold the chair of Boat Psychiatry from the Institute of Marine Psychology, Oxford.
I have decided to break cover to make you aware of a disease that is spreading through our community – it is known among my fellow sailors as “too many boats disease” but us professionals call it Polynavicula Morbus or PNM for short.
outwardly sufferers can seem well adjusted and happy
At a recent gathering of boat psychologists and yacht psychiatrists held at the Institute we came up with a simple self diagnostic tool to help sailors understand if they might have a problem. Simply total up the hull length of boats you own, or have a part share in. Canoes, windsurfers and paddle boards count, multihulls and tris you count each hull. Surfboards are obviously excluded.
We have come up with some preliminary categories.
less than 20 hull feet dormant or in remission.
20 to 50 infected but benign
50 to 100 advanced
100 to 150 serious
150 to 250 chronic
250 and above severe PNM
too much boat stuff is a classic symptom
Of course this is a very crude rule of thumb and the concept of counting each hull on a cat or a tri does cause some controversy. But if you know any cat or tri sailors then you will understand that their brains are wired slightly differently from those of “normal ” sailors.
It has also been pointed out that an oligarch with one 260 foot superyacht is clearly in need of a permanent crew and a few bodyguards rather than a “one on one” with a qualified boat therapist such as myself.
the provenance of boat paraphenalia is always in doubt
Some people have suggested that PNM is not really a disease but I must put in a call for compassion. Take one of my clients, I shall call him Lance but his real name is Cedric. He has sixteen boats that add up to a total of 260 feet.
Outwardly Cedric appears to be as well adjusted as any normal sailor such as you or I, but his dark secret is that he actually hardly sails at all. On a good day with warm sun and a fresh breeze he stands on his back stoop and drinks three coffees while deciding which boat to sail. The by the time he has finished duck shoving boats around his jig-saw puzzle of a yard the morning has all but gone.
Cedric has to park his truck on the street in front of his property because there is no room for vehicles in his garage or on his drive. His neighbours are not happy with him. His wife is not happy with him. She used to be a keen gardener and now faces a sea of white plastic when she steps out into her back yard. All she has is the window boxes.
PNM sufferers will often have several identical boats but can dream up reasons for owning each one
Once the chosen boat has been hitched up, the lighting board has been found, the bearings greased poor Lance then has to try to find the right sails, rudder and rigging to go with the boat.
By four in the afternoon Lance is ready to go sailing but he is so exhausted that the moment has passed and the pleasant morning breeze has gone.
I am sad to tell you that last year Cedric only went sailing twice – and that was in a friend’s cat boat which suffers from such terrible weather helm that it takes two strong men just to keep it on the most approximate of courses.
We have two reported near mortalities that can be attributed to PNM. At the age of 32 Charlie from Illinois started to accumulate Lasers – at least one of each type. By the time he was forty he had no less than 13 of them. He built a rack in the workshop to store them.
One day while working on his third PD racer the whole rack came away from the wall.... terrible, terrible. Nobby from the Oklahoma pan handle had boats on both seaboards and was found at the wheel of his truck unable to decide whether to head East or West. To all intents and pruposes the man is now a vegetable and has taken up golf.
To offer us a tool for greater refinement in the diagnosis of PNM, Yacht Psychologists such as myself, multiply total boat length by the number of hulls – so Lance with his 16 hulls adding up to 260 feet has a true PNM of 4,160.
One of the main problems with PNM sufferers is getting them to acknowledge that they have a problem at all. Some men say that they need all the boats so that they have just the right vessel for every situation. Some say that they have large families - but on further questioning they usually sail alone.
In the past, when boats were made of wood, the PNM afflicted would watch their vessels slowly rot away and return to the ecosystem. Now that plastic boats are immortal some PNM sufferers are so deluded that they regard their fleet as an investment rather than a burden that stops them from actually sailing.
If you think you, or a friend, is afflicted here are a few extra questions to consider:
Do you monitor ebay for bargains? Do you ever sell boats? Do you feel that boats sometimes need to be rescued? Do you lie to your partner about how many you have and how much you spend on them? How many of your boats can you see from Google Earth or Google Street View?
Some people see it as a simple psychosis but recent studies suggest that Polynavicular Morbus has many of the characteristics of a true disease in that is can spread from man to man. Potent vectors include long conversations in sunny cockpits, damp deck shoes, soup, dorritoes and sometimes modest amounts of alcohol.
Women for some reason are generally immune to PNM but there are many who suffer from being married to the afflicted.
Please feel free to email me with your problems and case histories.
Yours Dr Dyl 45 feet – three hulls
Cedric is in remission and has found a use for some of his surplus boats
mea culpa….
I realised several months ago that I had this disease. Fortunately I’ve managed by shear will power to reduce it down to only one. But I still cannot be online for more than a few days without trawling the usual sailboat “trap” houses and fear a relapse. Just say no!
….unless it’s a bargain.
Well i went for many years with only one boat at a time. Fireball, flying 15, Silhouette. Then for about 15 years i owned a 48ft Scottish fishing boat and rebuilt and launched her. When i finally got rid of her i think i unconsciously thought i needed to replace the full 48ft in bits so i bought a Wildfire dinghy, then a rowing boat, then my son started in Oppies so i had to have two of those, one wooden and one plastic. Then i wanted to sail whilst my son was out so bought an old Finn. I then happened across a Hurley Alacrity on eBay…nobody bid on it so i contacted the seller and got it for a song…another project, no trailer so had to arrange that too. Wife is screaming i just wish he would buy a boat that is ready to go…then i liked the idea of a kayak, bid on one on eBay, won it and when i picked it up there was another one laying there so thought, well i need two, so negotiated to buy that As well. Then got into canoes and bid and won another vessel…then i decided to keep my Wildfire at Birdham…the dinghy park had a few abandoned dinghies and i bought a plastic GP14 for £100, bargain until you factor in no trolley or trailer…back to eBay. ThenFinn has gone but i have all the others in various states of readiness. Oppies need to go as son stopped sailing. Alacrity refurb is in progress, Wildfire is ok and ready to sail but rarely goes out. Nor do the kayaks or canoes and rowing boat is a future project…GP is in need of a little TLC.
My combined footage is IRO 95 feet OMG
Do I have a problem…???
Andy
I have 71 boat feet and I’m proud of it; I will never stop adding more, never I tell you, NEVER!!!!
sadly you do have a problem….. you do need a boat to sail with the right work to pleasure ratio
the sort of boat you can open a thermos on and put your feet up – maybe even smoke a theoretical pipe or cigar
the Hurley should be the one you need
yours
Dr Dyl
beware…. there are pushers out there looking for the slightest weakness – although I think any man needs two boats
denial…. the most severe and dangerous form of the disease. I am afraid that we cannot help you until you are ready. You must take the first step
OMG it must be insidious, I didn’t even know until I looked and I saw; trailer sailer, old gaffer dinghy, clinker fishing boat, knockabout rowing boat.
Found a kayak!!!!!!!!! and forgot the inflatable !!!!!! (just for those quick explorations without the hassle of a trailer)
Will the men in white coats come?
finding a kayak….. finding a kayak…. you had forgotten it, lost it among the other boats and then found it….very, very bad indeed
Dylan
Total boat length 63ft but in my defense we have them all on the water at the same time last summer. My big worry is that 17yr old son is building a hybrid duck punt – is he infected too? I think Dr Dyl’s brother may have exacerbated the problem as well by publishing boat porn on the internet.
brilliant
send me snaps of hybrid duck punt (sounds like a real mess) and I will put them on this very website
Dylan
Photos and videos will be forthcoming but he’s only just starting – it’s his A level project so he has to “do something unique” which means putting a load of extras on that will then be stripped out once he’s got his grade. It will have a small centre board – (I know, don’t say anything) and is using a mirror rig with a cut down wayfarer sail so either great recycling or, as you say, a real mess but don’t tell him I said that………..Damn, he looks at this site too! we’ll be intouch – deadline is May.
I have a 22 foot Pandora, a 20 foot flying fifteen, a 12 foot miracle, an 11 foot topper, 2 three man canoes (I guess about 12 feet each) and 2 tenders one rigid and one inflatable. The shed contains rigs/ sails fora mirror and a laser! I do however regularly sail the Pandora and the flying fifteen.
Am I beyond hope?
Dr Dyl,
I have a wife.
It helps to keep the disease contoleble to a 51 ft. level.
She wants to become a mobo-girl so I bought a boat that’s unsellable. Sails better than the wife but it keeps me sailing.
Dr Dyl says… well J I see no reason to go cold turkey… but time for a bit of a clear out. Some time ago I had six boats and I had not realised that my children had left me. It seems that topper and one canoe could go. If boats have not floated for a year then they should be at the front of the queue for the chop
mobo girl….. aaaaagh!
It’s not a disease if you find the right balance. I have a 30 footer, 20 footer and 11 footer, all home built and all balanced luggers. Although the 30 footer is about to come out of the water and go into storage.
Gary
I have a cunning plan. The multi national manufacturing companies can carbon trade so why can’t we LOA trade? Dr Dyl needs to set a safe limit of total LOA and then those of us with too much can sell to those under the threshold. Our currency could be useful bits of rubbish – sorry chandlery and I suggest “loating” as the verb for this process (sounds like boating so lessens the pain) Of course Dr Dyl may set a silly limit like 43ft in which case we are all stuffed and I suggest we track him down, lock him up, ignore the problem and go sailing in the one boat that works. Stand firm brothers (and 1 sister) it’s our money, we earned it and can spend it on what ever we like.
Sorry…. only 95 feet but divided amongst 8 hulls… honorary mention?
too many man…. way too many…. well into the danger zone….there is no honour in being a PNM sufferer
In response to earlier reply by Richard Bullock …. Can’t find the mentioned boat porn, but did get in trouble with the wife when she came in and saw some of the results that had inadvertently come up on the screen. Help!!!!!
Oh deary me! We do have a problem here. Third phase PNM here Richard. first of all you are concerned with how to get more boats easily, secret language to hide the illegal transactions, then accusing us professionals as being silly. Dissing your superiors is a classic sign of advanced PNM. Then contesting the scientifically established boundaries and finally deciding that you are going to go ahead willy nilly. I fear for your future.
Well the topper could go and should but it does get used once every ten years as it is so easy to transport
The 2 canoes are good as every couple of years my adult children use them with friends on the Wye
The miracle should really go but it needs repairing first as do all ply wood boats. But I really like it.
The rigid tender could become a planter in the garden!
The flying 15, Pandora and inflatable I do use
So I can justify them all or is this a case of severe denial?
your reply gives me no option but to shift you to a grade 4 PNM case – you need to be quarantined from other sailors.
By the way I am after a topper rig for Katie L if you know anyone with a rig and no hull.
I have a mirror rig and no hull!
This probably seals the diagnosis
OK, let’s do the math. Cold-molded sloop 26 feet. Strip-built freight canoe 18 feet. Aluminum runabout 16 feet. Kayaks – do kayaks count? Damn, they do. You can’t really have TOO many kayaks, can you? OK, so there’s the two stitch and glue Cheseapeak LT-16’s. One is my son’s though, if he would ever pick it up – do I have to count that one? 32 feet if I have to count them both. Then the Prijon Seayak would be another 16. Oh dear, the other canoe canoe, I forgot the canoe – I never use the fibreglass canoe since I got the wooden freighter. Suppose I have to count that too then. Well that’s it, and it adds up to, hmmm – 124. Gosh that can’t be right, this is serious, let’s do it again. Crap, 124. Good thing we don’t have to count the Zodiac. Nobody counts Zodiacs do they? I mean it mostly lives rolled up in the quarterberths of the keelboat. Maybe it gets used three or four times a year. That would only be 4/364 X 9.6 feet. That”s, umm, 0.105 feet. Usage counts, right? Right? It’s not that serious, is it? I spent less that ten hours this week looking at ads on Yachtworld. Honest, I am getting better…..
The Snipe, I forgot the Snipe! It’s just a restoration project, doesn’t even have deck yet. I don’t have to count that one, do I? Do wooden boats count for more or less? They certainly don’t take any more of your time. Honest…..
sorry zodiacs count…. liability, space, resources. I am afraid 105 is pretty dangerous. You need to book a therapy session. For starters – get all you boats bout in one place…. ha! hard to do isn’t it. Then you need to sit in each one and make a subjective assessment as to its cost per hour – you are allowed to count thinking about it hours as half on sailing hours. Good luck…. get well soon.
Dr Dyl M Phil Yacht psychologist
the re-decking… how long has this been going on?
Will you race the boat?
is it taking up valuable garage space or, even worse, do you have to drive to the boat to do the work?
what will it be worth once you have finished?
Your case is interesting and at the next PNM convention – being held in Cannes this year – we are thinking of tabling a motion where wooden boats count as 1.5 and wooden boats without decks at 2.5
is this fair?
Dr Dyl M Phil
36 feet of boats Dylan, its started I fear :-(
julian
Too bad… I have started an SOF canoe in the dining room and am considering a hybrid DP/Dory/Enlarged Teal for this coming spring. everything that is useable requires more gymnastics than I wish to put in right now. The bones don’t seem to want to play anymore.
Have I some sort of compounded affliction? Two boats, 21ft gaff cutter and an 8ft bloater. One Windsurfer One Design and sundry waveboard relics of and rigs (pre children) making I think 42 ft. The compounding factor here is the other half, she has collected 16 equine feet and 12 goat feet. Which is the greater problem? Can I claim an offset against my PNM because our specialist equine vet now crews for me? ( Rule number one on the yacht: no one talks about horses…)
Hoof glue – tell her you need hoof glue to help build the next boat
if you have more horses than arses then your house hold is out of balance and in peril
you must also constantly remind her that sailing is cheaper than horses and goats
Dylan
Does it count if we tried to control this by turning some of our boats into garden planters?
the committee is split on this very important issue. Some see it as a sign of liberation from PNM – others see is as a signal that a higher power is taking control of the boat surplus problem. We are united that to turn a wooden boat into a planter is a bad thing – to turn a plastic boat into one means that the boat might one day live again. It is best to let the boats go to a good home where they will be loved and cherished rather thasn condemn them to a life of humiliation with daisies and daffodils
58 foot Camper & Nicholson Ketch; 10 foot Caribe dinghy; 15 foot Sea Arc camo jon boat (can’t shoot ducks from the ketch); 20 foot Tornado Cat; 15 foot Sunfish; 9 foot kayak. Sold the 10 foot Cape Dorey.
you sold one…. very good…. well on the road to recovery.However, you sold a very small one of little consequence…. the road to a cure can be a long one
Dr Dyl
What a relief! I have known for some time that I have a problem but to get an actual diagnosis . I am Simon and I am a Chronic PNM sufferer . I need to build a spreadsheet to get an accurate calculation but roughly I am 220 on 16 hulls.
Do I look on eBay? Most days
Do I sell? No
Do I rescue? Yes
Do I lie to the mrs? Yes
Can I see my boats on google earth? Yes
When I’m away on business i have to go and find a river or a bit cf coast, boatyard etc Help!
Thank you Dylan
220 feet across 16 hulls is certainly well up at the top end
I wonder if you could try selling just one of them to see how it feels
perhaps even loaning one to a worthy sailor…. you might find that the feeling you get from a deed well done might outweigh the remorse of losing a hull.
What I need you to do Simon is on your way to work in the mkorning just do some internal role playing.Imagine what it would be like to part with a boat. Together we can get through this
Dylan
Of course you are right but each has a purpose and they do all get used. I should really sell my Tiki 21 but I rescued her and catamarans do knock your total up.
I have sold boats in the past and every time I have regretted it.
I knew something was amiss, but now I have a name for it. Whew! I can tell you what a relief that is. I had taken to hiding boat expenditures by inventing the “Boat Unit” where 1 BU = $1,000 and decimal fractions thereof. That way I thought sounded better to my long suffering wife when I could say “It was only 1/2 a boat unit and a real bargain.” But, regrettably, she’s long since on to that ruse, but at least I can now claim shelter behind an identifiable mental condition and even better, I have fellow sufferers to at least commiserate with, since none of us really want to get cured.
We at the insitute really appreciate your invention of the concept of a BU and we will be using this in future research papers. PNM should never used as an excuse – it is a serious condition. Sufferers do not have control over themselves. A proper course of therapy could run into scores of boat units so living with the condition can often be the best answer – but to do this requires sympathy and understanding from our significant others
I prefer the title of “Fleet Captain”!
but captains have more crew than ships …. and an admiral has a large fleet. I think you may just be head of maintenance or at best the berthing master. I think you might need help from the one of our boat therapists at the PNM Institute.
Dylan
I am over 100 feet, with 3 in restoration. Last year I actually sold one, but used the money to get 2 more to restore. Several years ago I gave one away as a wedding present (unrestored). A mean trick as he is now “collecting”.
Great points altogether, you simply received a new reader. What could you suggest in regards to your post that you just made some days in the past? Any sure?
OK, I’m in deep……
30 foot cruiser racer (the family boat)
23 foot racing sloop (a share with 5 others)
10 foot inflatable
8 foot rowing tender
17 foot ABS wilderness tripping canoe
2 16 foot restored wooden canoes
2 15 foot wooden canoes (one is really my wife’s, honest)
1 13 foot restored wooden canoe
That’s 163 feet….
but when I figure the shares on the race boat, and then figure in that there are three in the family… then it’s really only 48 feet that is directly attributable to me.
There, how’s that for rationalization!
sorry Tripper Dave
rules is rules
boat shares count as wholey owned – sharing is very dangerous
totting up family members is not permissable either
you will be counting the dog and grandma next – what about the cat and the gerbil
no….. you are in very very deep and in need of the services of a well qualified boat psychologist
remember denial is one of the symptoms us boat shrinks look out for
Waterline length only about 40, LOA 43.5, but Length Over Spars definately around the 50 mark. Or do bowsprits count as negative for their theraputic value?
But if I can divide by two as part owner I’m OK, but If both of us feed each other’s obsession does that make it worse?
http://robinetta-log.blogspot.co.uk/
feed the obsession
great justification for the whole of the length in a shared boat counting towards your total
that will be appearing in out next presentation at the annual convention of boat therapists being held this summer in Las Vegas
Julian “forgot” the two inflatable dingys we’ve also got. Replaced them with a rigid tender, but never once thought about getting rid of them….
Alison tells me I left the rubber flubbers out. :(
OK. I admit I need help.
How about I buy you a pint or two this coming Saturday (23rd)?
Gonna be in London….
gonna be in Devon
try me nexct time you are in the UK – email sent
D
My name is Wayne and I’m a recovering addict. At one time, I had a 16′ daysailor, a 21′ weekender, an 8′ inflatable dinghy and a 37′ cruising sailboat. With the love and support of my wife, I managed to infect… ummm, sell the daysailor, the weekender and the dinghy to other sailors.
But earlier this year, I had a regression and bought an 8′ rigid dinghy to tow behind the cruiser. And I think my wife has been infected as she was the one to instigate the dinghy purchase.
Is there no hope for us? Are we doomed to spend our retirement funds on more boats?
Wayne…. your confessions have touched us deeply and mean that you are already on the road to recovery
however, a weekender and a 37 footer would put you into a perilous state
well done for your progress
the staff here at the Institute for Boat Psychotherapy had a group hug for you
Oh dear,
Having read this part of the blog I realise I’m right on the edge! I’m already telling the better half porkies and I haven’t even spent any money yet! That should change on Tuesday when I’m off to look at a WWP 15 that needs TLC, I’m following a rowing skiff on Ebay and I’m thinking about doing a boat building course at the IBTC in Lowestoft as a retirement project. I clearly need help!!! or a hidden bank account LOL
buy the potter – perfect little boat
Thanks Dylan – I needed the moral support!!! At least I’ve managed to tempt SWMBO onto a half decker on the broads for a day in May, so if I can just hide the boat until then…….
every journey starts with a single step – so that is progress
The deed is done – £200 and I have a shell that needs work but has spars, sails and rigging and a trailer that needs Hammerite. The challenge now is to see how little I can spend to put her (safely) in the water looking half decent. If I can limit that to another £200 I’d call that a major result!!!
It seems I’m on the slippery slope.
Ian
PS If I launch and turn right – one day……..
I’ll try to do a project blog if I can work out the technology!
Do I really have to include the 8 foot inflateable? Really, it is in the garage on the shelf , just in case I need it? PNM 99 before the inflateable.
well done for admitting to 99 – however….you know that the proper score includes inflatables
Dr Dyl
Blog now active and first picture of a forlorn little Potter sitting in the rain on my drive – http://wwpproject.blogspot.co.uk/. Once she’s in the water (hopefully this summer – famous last words) I’m already planning a rowing skiff just to qualify as a member of the PNM club. Oh just remembered, I do have a part share in a Puffin dinghy (built it when I was a kid) so I’ll have to get my slide rule out to calculate the rating. Wonder if anyone’s into 4 figures – that has to be a target for someone?
Happy punting,
Ian
looks great on the drive
need to make some chocks
the boat will also be easier to roll over with the mast up
plenty of leverage
good luck with the centre plate – I am sure it will move
are you going to sleep in her on the drive
you should do
bit of a laff
D
Might consider it when she’s a bit tidier inside as you say – for a laff. It’s a bit of a mess at the moment and almost needs more work than the outside. I discovered that water in the cockpit also means water inside – eventually found the cockpit drain plug in a box of spare bits! Now have a cockpit with water in it but that’s better – I’ll cover her up later today.
She actually sits very comfortably on the old carpet I laid under her. Stable as she has a virtually flat bottom aft, but will chock her up to make her level on the drive – on a slope at the moment.
Cheers,
Ian
more pix please
one on the drive is not enough
and I cannot leave comments on your blog
it should be possible to allow anyone to comment
I don’t get much spam on here
D
More pix included. Not sure why you can’t comment – I’m trying to sort it out but the settings are correct.
Onwards and Upwards.
Ian
Morning Dylan,
I’ve checked the blogs ability to receive comments and it all seems to work fine. I’ve put a test comment on the latest post from a different email account and it published OK.
I’ve had a chance to strip out the inside this morning and revealed the true scale of the tasks ahead. The cosmetics are the least of the problems – all the woodwork will have to be remade including the bits that hold some of her together! No matter, it’s all good experience for my retirement career building boats!
Hope you’re enjoying the change in the weather in a suitably aquatic manner.
Ian
you can only leave a comment if you have one of the specified accounts
is there no way of avoiding people having to sign into a wordpress or google account
I am sure you will get more feedback if you can untick a few boxes
it should be possible to leave an anonymous comment
or just with an email that dopes not show
D
My last household move had me arriving at the new home just as the moving company pulled up. The driver noted the two 18 ft sea kayaks on my truck rack, and on the trailer the 17 ft Old Town canoe, the 18ft Indian Girl canoe, the 15 ft Blackhawk canoe, the 14ft Adirondack Guideboat, and enough white cedar to begin a 14ft Chesapeake Bay Sharpie…. (The bed of the truck looked like a travelling marine antique exhibit…)
He had the nerve to remark that I had too many boats.
I asked if he played golf. He admitted that he did.
“How many clubs do you own?” I asked. He shook his head and walked away….
I am now “down to 9 boat and 127.5 feet. Earlier this summer I was at 12 and 176.5
At 101 ft I’m in the serious category – but there should be a sub index relating to the number of linear feet of varnished spars which puts me well into the chronic even if thee of the 9 are inflatables.
the idea of a spar modifier is an ineresting contextual twist. I shall convene a meeting of the society to discuss you suggestion. Could you be available in barbados in November to give us a paper on the subject? Usual fee now that we have a research grant from the labour party.
Finally I feel validated with my affliction. As per the rules I’m chronic, at 148.5 at the moment, but another 15 foot skiff is framed up right now so I guess rules is rules and now I’m over the top. Currently I nurture the following: 40′ wooden trawler (in restoration), 25′ custom foam core sloop, 23′ motor skiff, 20′ wooden sharpie, 14.5′ kayak, 14′ Phantom (like a Sunfish), and 12′ flat bottom cypress sided rowboat. I may soon be partnering with a 23′ sloop too. I am not in denial though and relish each end every moment.
fek – you are beyond redemtion – way too much wood my friend
Oh my gosh! I just found this site..and you are all mad! But then..I rather suspect I am as well…(2) Flying Juniors, a Force 5, Hobi 16 and a Ensenada 20…2×13 + 13 more, plus 16 and an additional 21..does total boat length or waterline length count?…65 feet…gasp!
Perhaps I shouldnt take the $500 swing keel Ive just been offered…its an additional 25 feet…80 feet…….gasp!
And..and…I live in the desert!!!…OMG..Im doomed!!
Correction..thats 90 feet…assuming that the Hobi is only counted once..it does have 2 hulls…if not..that puts me at 106….snivel…the end is near! Or is that the Stern is Near!! Or the finish line is near…or..babble gabble…quiver….twitch…..
No way do I have a problem. Sure I like a good boat as much as the next man, it’s part of our culture. Go out, have a good boat. But there’s only the little 22 foot club racer so what’s wrong with that? Sure, it has a tender – how would we get to the mooring without one? What? OK that is true, there are two tenders, but look the little walker bay is a beautiful rowing boat and the outboard’s too big for it so we need the inflatable, just in case. It’s rolled up in the locker to stop the rubber perishing. No the laser and the 420 are NOT abandoned and they are NOT wrecks. The foils and sails are in perfect condition and I know exactly where they are. No way am I a boataholic, I do not accept your intervention. PNM 65 and anyway we need an inflatable kayak for the kids there are some fantastic bargains on ebay
I’m at 258.
Europe Dinghy 11′
Classic Moth 11′
S2 6.8 (x3) 66′ total
Luders 16 26′
International 110 24′
Catalina 25 25′
Flying Junior 14′
Sunfish 14′
Glastron Alpha 15′
Sinbad Dinghy 8′
Homebuilt 30 footer 30′
Hobie Holder 14 14′
I didn’t count my 12′ canoe…
Is there any hope I’ll ever be cured? I’ve sold many boats including 3 Macgregor/Venture 21s, 2 Catalina 25’s, 2 Macgregor/Venture 25s, 2 Snark boats, a Crownline 176 (17.5′) motorboat, a home built Sharpie, an AMF Apollo 16, a Super Porpoise (15′) and a C&C 24 Niagara.
I forgot to mention the Lido 14, two other Flying Juniors and Rebel 16 I sold a few years ago.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! This page is an eye-opener. I must face the fact that, I too, seem to have a problem: a 26′ Macgregor, 16′ Tanzer, 16 Widerness Systems kayak, 16′ Oday Daysailer, 14′ Sailfish, 12′ Port-a-boat. The sum of this footage is a surprising 84 feet!
I seem to be squarely in the advanced category!
However, I wonder if I can deduct 43 feet because: my ex-wife stole my Tanzer 16′ (less 16′), my Macgregor 26 is really a hybrid sailboat/motorboat and was damaged in Hurricane Sandy (less 13′), and I left my 14′ Sailfish behind the shed when I sold my house. Maybe this puts me back down to 41 feet, which is in the “20 to 50 infected but benign” category.
Perhaps I’ve had a narrow escape…
I have spoken to the committee about your case – at best you are in remission, But you obviously have the syndrome and need to keep careful control of your proclivities.I suggest that next year you commit toengage in a series of single boat therapy sessions – choose one boat and remain faithful to her. Never use the phrase “it is too hot to sail”….never cut the grass rather than sail….sail first honeydos later
Im up to 130! I just added a MacGregor 24! Woe is me…wheee!
Dear Dr Dyl, so true.
My disease started with a single kayak, which I used to paddle down the Wensum while my now wife organised our wedding with her Mum. Wife came with a double kayak. Kids came along so I bought a couple of cast off kayaks from the the girl guides. Started sailing, bought an old Halcyon 23 which came with a leaky tender, happy days. Leaky tender replaced but not got rid off with an Ebay Walker Bay. Son got into dingy sailing so bought a cast off Pico from local sailing club. It gets worse; after a 3 year attempted refit of the Halcyon (after someone mercilessly rammed it and scarpered) I found a down at heel example of my dream boat (A Hunter Horizon 273) at a ridiculous price, what could I do? So at the height of my problems I had amassed:
4 Kayaks 40ft
2 Tenders 16ft
A Pico 10ft
Halcyon 23ft
Hunter 27ft
116ft in total and a true PNM of 1,094.
It is such a relief to know that it is not me, but a real disease so thank you.
You will all be glad to know that with the support of loved ones (especially those who must be obeyed) there is a happy end to this sorry tail. The answer our problems is to find another PNM sufferer at the early stages of their affliction. I gave away all of my Kayak to a colleague at work for free (good for the soul). I sold my Pico on ebay. I think that the boat yard has disposed of my old tender due to lack of interest.
So I am now down to 58ft with a true PNM of 174.
Can I interest any one in a Halycon 23 project, Fully repaired and professionally painted, just needs a PNM sufferer to put all the bits back and do some wood work. Bargain…..!!
Just remembered, I forgot to include the rubber dingy that came with the Hunter………. woe is me!!
I say..does a Grumman 18′ canoe count?..if so..Im now at 148! Gasp!!!
It certainly does…. are you hiding any more from us… inflatables count, windsurfers count….I fear you need to book a course at the Institute of Boat Psychology in Botolph Claydon
Just noticed this thread, worth keeping alive!
I am currently quite modest with a 24ft sail boat, 12ft sailing dinghy, 8ft inflatable tender. Good thing i got rid of the other 10ft dinghy and 3 windsurfers last year (had the windsurfers for 7 years and never used them!). I am glad the enlightened panel decided that surfboards don’t count as everybody knows you need a descent quiver for different types of waves (10ft long board, 7ft fun board, 6ft short board). Of course it doesn’t count that i haven’t been surfing for two years, i will continue when i get a car again (which i sold so i cold afford the 24ft sail boat…). I do find that i seem to buy boats while the wife is away, and get any new bits delivered to the marina (more convenient as i don’t have a car any more to take things there myself). I don’t lie about spending, she just doesn’t ask.
I needed to thank you for this wonderful read!! I certainly enjoyed every bit of it.
I have you saved as a favorite to check out new stuff you post…
Also visit my website; how to build a plywood fishing boat
Dear Mr Outhwaite,
given the seriousness of the PNV virus I am not sure that you should be touting your most wonderful plans to a group of people who have already shown themselves extremely prone to the disease – this is a bit like Budweiser taking adverts in the AA monthly…
just saying like
D
I would suffer gladly, but my girlfriend has named the latest addition (# 5) “Polly” as a subtle reminder.
good girl – she is a keeper
tell her that saiklors make great husbands
you may not know exactly where they are but you wikll always know who they are with – and it is never another woman
Ohhh dear, when counting boats I totally forgot a 16 foot trailer sailor outside my lounge room window
Thats
3 x trailer sailers for 56 feet
4 x Dinghies for 45 feet
Plus I have rigging for boats I dont even own
I have a very supportive partner who humours me and as it seems my not so strange addiction
Question – Do radio control sail boats count?? If so Im in deep do do
Cheers Mike
Am I glad in the Netherlands the length of our follies is measured in metres. That way the numbers are a lot less frightening. My Icefloe sea kayak measures 5.2 m LOA, our Albin Vega is 8.23 m LOA, the 15 ft Coleman canoe is really just 4.8 metres, the whole lot totals just 18.23 metres. A modest figure.
That said, we do suffer from driving in kilometres, which results in higher figures, like 50 in built up areas where you would be doing 30, ideally. Some drivers over here seem to be under the impression that our speed limits are in miles instead of kilometres; they will be doing 80 km/hr.where 50 is the legal limit.
Any resulting speeding fines will have to be settled in euros, not pounds. This information may be utterly useless but was supplied in good faith.
Blimey jan – you are digging deep through the archives
D
Since this thread is alive again…
West Marine RU 8′
Petrel dinghy 12′
Mad River Canoe 14′
Paceship PY 23′
That puts me at 57 and 228. The study has to be flawed, since that seems a perfectly reasonable number of boats. I still want to add a 17′ sea kayak to my collection. They each get used at least once a season – maybe.
bad boy
I recommend a course at the therapy centre
it will only cost $5,000 Canadian, but worth every penny
I’d have to sell off most of my boats to pay for that, but if you think it is worth it… :-)
excellent answer
Can this possibly afflict Canadians given our frigid winter climate that restricts serious sailing to 4 months or so per year. My feeling was, the more available boats (2 cruising sailboats, 1 sailing dinghy, 3 roll-up inflatable dinghies of various lengths, an aluminum fishing boat and a 4 passenger paddle boat totalling ~118′ in combined LOA and 9 hulls in my case) the easier to take best advantage of the short season. In fact, the underlying theory is almost the converse of PNM quantifiaction: the greater the sum of multiplicands of hull numbers and LOAs, the greater the opportunity for release of unhealthy tension by minimizing downtime attributable to any single boat in the fleet. The serial and essentially continuous activity associated with hopping from boat to boat leaves little, if any opportunity, for infection by such antigens as PNM.
PS: my wife seems to be seriously afflicted by some type of complementary ailment: SBA or Strangulating Bank Accountitis, characterized by an an ever-enlarging lack of funds available for the pursuit of healthy lake-, ocean-, or river-based nautical or marine activities.
I should have added that in the winter months when the lakes and rivers of northern Ontario are frozen over some of us have ice boats which reach unheard of speeds for normal “liquid” water-bound craft. I assume that might count but does the use of snow machine suits and crash helmets offset the PNM-inducing effects of personal flotation devices? And does an addiction to watching KTL clips for up to 4-5 hours per winter evening whilst warming frozen fingers and toes in front of the fireplace further suggest PNM symptoms?
R,
with over 110 feet you have a problem
rationalise all you like old chap but you have a very bad case of this dangerous affliction
are we counting ice yachts as part of the total?
D
D
How could I ever challenge someone who appears to be so severely afflicted himself? In my case, I first felt the bite of the bug serving as ballast for a friend who had rigged his canoe with a makeshift rudder, bilateral dagger boards clamped to the gunwales, and a mast and sail lashed to the forward cross-member. What was a young man to do when asked to lay flat on the core of the canoe so it wouldn’t capsize with each gust of the prairie wind? Shades of sailing a duck punt through a flooded cow pasture?
Keep the KTL video clips coming. I love them.
R
build a duck punt
you could have it done in a weekend
the fastest build was 18 hours
you know you want to
D
D
Great challenge. Fiberglassing the bottom sounded like a very good idea. Take care.
R
the bloke who did the quick build used cascamite and decking screws
I had forgotten all about cascamite
D
PS:
Your YouTube post today, besides being very poetic, was fascinating in the variety of boats shown. I was especially intrigued by the small dinghies on foils. Amazing speed. Dangerous lack of control? I think I’ll stay with the <7 kts my Seaward can muster. Signing off for now. Enjoy your new Chichester experience.
R
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Will surely be returning, ’tis a great site
I am recovering at last! I was up to an 82′ PNM infection, but I have now noticed after a painful amputation that I am now down to only 62′. Perhaps with further surgery I might get the whole thing under control. After all I am only really interested in 26′ of SNM (Singular NM).
But then, in order to have the 26′, one must have at least another 8′ to service the 26’… And then again, one must have an inflatable 8′ stowed away in case of a sudden urge to go for an ashore libation.
It’s all so confusing – I need help!
G
G,
it seems to me that you are doing very well to bring things under control. The worst case I came across was 267 feet over 15 hulls – a sad case indeed. The amazing thing is the victim was still claiming that it was not a problem.
I think that with the ongoing donations to the Institute of Boat Psychology PNM dept we can help you through – the donations scheme offers the afflicted a way they can express their remorse
Dylan
Howdy! I know this is kind Plenty Of Fish Dating Site Of Free Dating off topic but I
was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form?
I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having problems finding one?
Thanks a lot!
Hilarious post, thanks for that! You didn’t mention if inflatable tenders actually count towards my Poly Navicular Morbus count or not? I’m assuming that as I have a number of inflatables including a 3D tender dinghy which rolls up into a backpack that these aren’t counted (hull feet = zero when rolled up!) Please let me know, I’m getting a bit nervous that I may be moving into the ‘serious’ category…
deepest apologies – the committee has met and decided that all vessels including canoes, paddle boards and inflatables count. Surf boards don’t count. Time to re-assess the scale of your affliction.
OK Dylan the Macwester Kelpie 15 was a mistake! I admit it.
An impulse buy, a bargain buy and I might add a ‘feel sorry for the poor little neglected burger buy’.
If I didn’t have advanced PNB I would have or should move it on…………… but it looks like a mini proper yacht!
It has potential, it can be reborn as the pheonix from the flames of a deserted mooring on an empty river bank.
“I AM THE MAN TO DO IT!”……
The Tepco 15, we shall call her ‘Pastime’ for that is her real name at the moment (Memsab wants to rename her ‘Scarlet Sails’ but I dont like changing the names of boats) is very practical for our needs, to be mobile and try safe waters anywhere without grounding or laying over when the sea goes on its holiday to the other side. It has decent cuddy you can sleep in and a place to prepare/cook and wash if we did get caught on a mudbank. With a boom tent for bad weather she’s a nice option. Plus she’s an easy launch and recover.
‘Pastime’ is functional and charming only because of her gunter rig, but basically she looks like a fisher boat!
As a guy with PNB you have to understand that I’m trying to justify having two similar but quite different boats.
Now did I tell you about ‘Rosie’ and ‘Scorpio’?
Actually I quite like your Hunter Minstrel, now if I sell the M/C and the caravan and downgrade the car I might be able to ……………….. Hhhmmmmmm I’ll give that some thought!
Help me please, I’m on Ebay again!
KTL emergency therapy team are on their way – hold tight my friend – help is at hand
Aaaahhhh thankyou, instant distraction………… erm is that a Yachting Register she is holding? :-)
She is saying “And the next boat we have for sale is……..”
you really do have it bad B
Awww no – 6 boats added to the Watch List!
53 feet over 10 boats but since i built the duck punt i dont really bother with the others, i made an effort to sell the cherub on ebay highly overpriced did it sell? nope. i use the mirror offshore, the flying fifteen sits in the front garden looking fab (talk about boat porn that keel oh that keel) do you think the wife might let me bring the keel into the house just to look at like an ornament. dave
53 feet is really rather modest – assuming you are counting inflatables and canoes
I have a question. I’m currently safe (ish) with a measured PNM of 26 over two hulls for a true PNM of 52. But prior to this I had a 36 foot gaff cutter that had a 16 foot dinghy in two pieces. It sailed either as a 16 foot schooner with the two halves bolted together or as two 8 foot sailing prams. My PNM was either 52 over 2 hulls for a true PNM of 104 or 52 over 3 hull for a true PNM of 156.
Which is the correct value?
All two/three boats were found new homes when I moved home from Malta and I now have just a 16′ 6″ Fairey Falcon and a 9′ 6″ foot Nutshell sailing pram dinghy, the latter being offered to a new home for free provided that she is used and not stored away and never sailed.
I feel as though I may beat this affliction yet.
Maybe.
If I could just stop looking at the boat porn.
And reading about wonderful new boats
and…
and…
142, crap! I thought I was supposed to have one for every day of the week and a spare or 2!
dam i made a mistake its not 53 its 153 is that still a modest amount?
53 – that is fine
It is so comforting to see our common weakness given a scientific treatment and justice,
I do, however, wonder how do calculate the severeness of my own case. The number of feet multiplied by number of hulls cause the most concern:
One boat of 23 feet, a trimaran
one boat of 35 feet, also a trimaran
one of 17 feet, a catamaran
one of 14 feet also a catamaran
and finally a 23 foot monohull.
I wonder how to do the math necessary to make sure the result is valid. Is the degree of decay to be taken into consideration, too?
I am afraid the truth must be faced – brutal though it maybe. Catamarans and tris require counting all hulls to add to the total. You know that your prediliction for boats extends to a desire for speed and wetness. Your affliction is worse than you are yet prepared to accept.
Altogether it comes out as a PNM score of roughly 259, and yes, they are visible on Google Earth too.
As a first step in a remedy to this illness I’ll consider letting someone else sail the monohull, a Leisure 23.
The good news is, I did avoid accepting another monohull in need of salvation.
Will that do for a start?
blimey man – you are in a mess
Its so frustrating to see the amount of professionals and SEO professionals who have
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Poly Navicular Morbus – too many boats disease – The latest addition to my weekly read!
I can’t believe the number of bloggers and supposed SEO professionals who spread misinformation
I will surely be returning, ’tis a great blog
Sadly I read recently even with the great Dr Dyl M Phil Yacht psychologist has started to show signs of PNM, so no one is immune to this Disease.
Ran across this song today, and I think most of us would agree with it…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7ukwTyJ-og
Not sure where I am at.
15foot bermuda rigged Springbank (ozzie made and designed) is my current main business boat, next is 1950 carvel planked 16foot motor boat with the plan of converting it to a traditionally rigged Gaff Cutter, then the 14 foot converted 1950s life boat that is already a gaff rigged cutter, then my 1972 world champoinship winning red cedar cherub built by Frank Bethwaite. This has had a Heron rig added and a bow sprit to make it a cutter. Still got the original rig.but its 1.8mtr daggerboard doesnt fit in the river! A 470 that needs a rebuild. 3 x 14foot cats. 18 foot Hobie Cat, 1950s Manly Pram. Forerunner to the Manly Junior. 12 foot windrush cat. 1970s aquanaught needs a rebuild. 2 x manly juniors. 2 x swingers designed by Ben Lexen (then Bob Miller) Then there are about 6 or 7 club boats, a 16 foot Hartley for sale (not mine) Oh, and a dead 16foot Hartly that I will canablise for the Carvel planked cutter. All assistance greatly appreciated. Sailurunga.com.au on Facebook